I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
