Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
