Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
