I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
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