peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
