The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
