Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
