I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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