it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I wanna passion pit in your ass
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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