turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
