I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize