Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
