that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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