I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Randomize
