i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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