quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
