If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
