Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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