were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Randomize
