our cab driver is having phone sex.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Randomize