wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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