Cold hands, warm shart.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
