i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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