it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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