I have demons in me.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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