if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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