mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
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