This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I am one with the molecules
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Randomize
