I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
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