then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
