i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
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