Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
