so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
When are your genitals available?
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize