My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Randomize
