if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Help. Why am I so naked?
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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