I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Randomize
