That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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