I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
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