in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I FOUND THE LEGS
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
