I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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