What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
