apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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