I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize
