I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
You ate ashes out of my bong
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Randomize
