capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
