this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
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