"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Randomize
