I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
