My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
