You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
