The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Randomize
