Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
