Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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