I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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