I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Randomize
