I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
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