they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
