I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
