why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
