Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
But i did once see a show where a women was homeless and installed a stove in a school bus so she and her baby could live there since all the seats were taken out. As far as being homeless goes it didn't look half bad...So this is me promising to you that if i ever am living in an abandoned school bus...i will at least pimp it out with a stove so you can come over for dinner sometimes
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Randomize
