By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Randomize
