my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Don't EVER smell your tampon
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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