I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
